someone put me back in the womb this isnt working out
okay i know i don’t post much anymore but i have so much pent up inside of me right now and i just really want to let it all out. basically, i’m done. with everything. i’m ready to get up and get out of here. i’ll take the next flight to la and leave this town behind. there’s just so much adding up and i can’t take it anymore. maybe i’m just a little bitch and need to man up, but whatever. it’s my blog and i’ll cry if i want to, right?
well first things first, i’m sick. this sucks. i want to rip my throat out and vomit all over the world when i’m not all hyped up on medications. secondly, i don’t even like people anymore. i used to be really good friends with this one person. this person seriously was everything to me. i’d do anything for her and she fucking knew it. we were best friends and i valued that so much. she’d been dating her boyfriend for a long time, and he really does treat her perfectly. he treats her like she’s a mother fucking goddess, and i don’t blame him. she deserved it. however, that changed her. now, she acts as if everyone should treat her like he does. and you know what? i can’t handle that. if i’m gonna be there for you every single second of the day, why can’t you be there for me? i would always be there, but the very few times i asked her for help, she never was there. i can’t put up with that. i’m not going to put in 110% into a friendship when you won’t even try. now, there’s my boyfriend. i recently discovered that i’m not enough for him. he doesn’t think i’m pretty. now sure, i’m no kate upton or adriana lima, but i at least thought that i’d be remotely attractive to him considering we’ve been together for three years. well i guess i was right all those years ago, before i even met him: i’m not pretty enough. i really don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. there’s no one there to listen. absolutely no one. except maybe gianna, she loves me. thank god.
then, there’s college. i’m half filipino, so yeah, i have an advantage. i also have a decent gpa. i know i could get into so many colleges, but i don’t even know what to do with my life. when i was little, i wanted to be famous. then i realized that nothing i ever did would be as good as the person next to me. so yeah, i’m going to college. but where am i supposed to go? i would love to go back to california with the only people who ever really cared about me, but do i really want to spend thousands more of my dad’s money just to satisfy my own personal wants? i don’t know if i’m okay with that.
then there’s work. that just sucks. end of story. i can’t even explain that shit because they’ll probably look up my tumblr, find what i say about them, then fire me.
lastly, there’s my family. they’re all fucking crazy. don’t get me wrong, i love most of them with all of my heart. i just don’t know how much longer i can stand their behaviors. my dad’s a tyrant. he yells at anyone he wants to when he feels like it because he can. he’s the one that works. he has the money. he’s them military man. he can do whatever the fuck he wants when he wants to because he really is the “boss” of our family. what i can’t stand is when he talks down to my mom. she’s not white, and he yells at her, as if she’s some sort of freak. here’s the thing, MY MOM CAN SPEAK AND UNDERSTAND ENGLISH. it’s just harder for her to get what people are saying, considering it’s her third language. he just yells at her for no fucking reason and she tries to fight back but she can’t. she can’t fucking fight back because he won’t let her. he just keeps yelling. and yelling. and i can’t fucking handle it. they just fight. and it’s not even fighting. it’s just my dad yelling. then i yell at my dad for yelling at my mom because that’s not okay. he needs to yell at someone else, not my mom. that woman gave him three beautiful children and one average one, and he doesn’t appreciate that at all. without her, she would be nothing. he doesn’t realize that. i just don’t understand how a marriage could spiral so low into a point where their 17 year old daughter can actually predict when fights are going to happen.
i apologize to everyone, this is kind of excessive and depressing and annoying. i just really needed to let that out. i love all of my followers♥
